Blog Post

Grief is

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Grief Is 

(by Dale Miller) * I changed his use of “her’s” to “him’s” in the poem (he is a young male widow who lost his female spouse) – I did this so it would be more symbolic of the loss of well, my everything. Without Jacob, I am no one. A body without a soul. A zombie in a haze with constant command thoughts circling in my brain of “just end this misery already”. My dear dear friend Élise who I love deeply sent me this poem. I have never found words so relatable in my grief. There is no “time heals all wounds” bullshit in this poem. There is no happy ending or moving on like all the grief books emphasize. This poem is real – it is “The Real McCoy” as Jacob would say. This is my suffering. This is the suffering I feel every moment. This is the pain Élise feels with every breath. And I want you to read this and try to understand how torturous it is to lose everything. Your spouse, your best friend, your soulmate (since 7th grade!), your future, your children. All gone. And on May 4th, 2019 I will be turning 27. Jesus Christ. That is the age Jacob died – and I have been bedridden hiding from the world (literally frozen, psychotic, and crumbling in sadness) for the past 19 months. My birthday will be exactly 20 months since Jacob was taken from the world. My birthday, a day Jacob made so special, is forever magnified in horror. Jacob would call it a “birth month” instead of “birthday”. He would surprise me with something special almost every day of the month.  The little things he did were so full of love and devotion. I remember his touch on my skin and the hours of cuddling. One birthday while Jacob and I were home from school at my parent’s house- Jacob said to my mom “Thank you so much, Mrs. Griffith” and my mom responded, “For what, Jakey?” “For giving birth to my Kaitlin. May 4th is the best day of the year.” Then he gave me a giant hug from behind and said: “I love you so much baby girl.” This day with so many beautiful memories will forever be a mark of his death. 

 

Grief is

Feeling great joy and unbelievable sadness

In the same moment

Grief is

Feeling like you’re breaking apart

But knowing you can’t – you’re already broken

Grief is

Realizing you don’t go to hell from here

You’re already there

Grief is

Waking in the morning

And crying because you did

Grief is

Fake plastic smiles and sad puffy eyes

Grief is

Hiding yourself away

So no-one else need suffer

Grief is

Going through the motions

And not knowing why

Grief is

Not knowing how to explain

Anything

Grief is

Listening to people say they understand

But knowing they don’t

Grief is

Feeling absolutely alone

And smaller than small

Grief is

A hole inside that no one can see

Exactly the shape of him

Grief is

Never ending

Grief is

Not wanting to eat, sleep, work, dream, or face today

Grief is

Feeling like you’re going insane

And realizing you already did that last week and the week before, and the week before that

Grief is

The worst feeling ever

Sadness far beyond sad

Grief is

Visiting a grave to try to feel better

Trudging through knee-deep snow to clean off a headstone and have a talk

Grief is

Trying to figure out

Why you’re still here

Doing everything you can think of

So you’ll finally be allowed to be with him

Grief is

Getting it out

Only for it to fill back up

And doing it over and over and over

Grief is

Dreading the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and tomorrow

Grief is

Friends leaving your life

And you not knowing why

You ought to see them run

Grief is

Feeling guilty for things you didn’t do

Wrongs you didn’t commit

And for not being able to save him.

Grief is

Counselors and medications

That don’t really help

Grief is

Anything but peaceful

Grief is

Learning to drive

And cry at the same time

Grief is

Being told to get over it

Or suck it up, buttercup

Grief is

Shaking uncontrollably

For no apparent reason

Grief is

Not being able to enter a room

Our bedroom

Grief is

The willingness to do absolutely anything

To try to feel better

Grief is

Being kicked while you’re down

People can be so cruel

Grief is

Being taking advantaged of

Grief is

Having to hang up the phone

Because you’re crying too hard to be understood

Grief is

Writing stupid poems

That no one will ever read

Grief is

Memories

Both painful and good

Grief is

Packing up his belongings

To send them to the vultures that are circling

Grief is

Laying out his coat on a table

And watching as the cat’s fight over who gets to lay on it, it still smelled like him.

Grief is

Being angry at God

Grief is

Picking up the pieces of your life

Just to put them down again

Grief is

Trying to figure out

What grief is

Grief is

Trying to learn about grief

From people who have never felt it

Grief is

Crying in your sleep

Grief is

Hurting this bad

And still being alive

Grief is

Having to explain to someone

Who hadn’t heard he was gone

Grief is

Being told to remember the good times

And knowing those are the memories that hurt the worst

Grief is

Crying so hard

You throw up

Grief is

Having to fight with family members

For his last wishes to be kept

Grief is

Finding a trinket that once made him smile

Grief is

Feeling like you did a week after he passed

Four years later

Grief is

Love doesn’t die

Just because he did.

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